What would you do if you weren't afraid?
It feels like I've been living my own custom-made mid-life crisis for a few years now (I'm sure some of you have an exaggerated nod going on right now).
I want a slower life in the country
I want the opportunities and culture afforded by the city
I want to travel the world
I want to do my own thing
I want to be an author
I want to have global impact...impact TBD
I want to be a public servant and change policy...like, I want to be Secretary of State
I want to innovate in the private sector
I want my own business
I don't actually like change all that much and want stability
I want to live in the mountains, in the desert, by the ocean, and near an international airport
I want to buy a house
I'm scared to plant roots
I want to be a movie star
...okay, snuck that last one in there to see if you were paying attention.
Two things. What would I do if I weren't afraid, and, how can I relegate all of these wants to some future realm and just enjoy the present? The grass is always greener on the other side--been there done that, don't want to focus there. Enjoy the now and pick a 'future' apple off the tree, on my own terms. I can do everything on that list if I want, life is not an all-or-nothing choice, and with my newfound private sector freedom, I'm going to enjoy each moment I have to think about what I want--even when it makes me feel lost.
I've made an intentional effort to take time for introspection (an hour per week actually slotted on my calendar), but recently, after each week I have more questions and fewer answers. Maybe that means I'm on the right track. Like once you start to feel the cascade of questions you're finally making progress? The good news (maybe) is that Pancho is on the same page. I guess it's not always good because I lose my sanity check but it's fantastic because we have the most beautiful, deep, conversations late at night that lead to crazy ideas and incremental steps toward greatness.
I need to create and be creative. I'm writing a novel, selling my photography, designing greeting cards, and licensing my pictures to other greeting card companies. I'm owning projects at work that benefit the greater organization and challenge me in wonderfully intellectual ways. I'm picking back up on a business plan for an invention I dropped last year and writing a draft business plan for a new idea. This focus (although totally scattered) has has been hugely impactful on my spirit after leaving government. Creativity fuels my soul and makes me happy. Tired sometimes, but happy.
I've also re-connected with a few old friends this month and I found myself revitalized, inspired, and so badly missing all the feelings of stability...you know, where you stay in one spot long enough to make friends and create community. It left me feeling nostalgic, and really just sad about the leave of absence from 'normal' life our family has taken. I wouldn't trade our experiences for the world but there are definitely realities that have become apparent now that we're back.
It feels like the rest of the world went on without us and we're fighting our way back in. But with that, we're having to reestablish old relationships. Ones that were once so strong. Because years have passed, families have grown, relationships have started and ended, lives and people have changed. And for the last five years, we've been on the outside looking in. It's hard to keep in touch when you don't live in the same place and it's even harder when you leave the country. We finally resigned to the fact that we would miss out. People wouldn't think to call us and wouldn't take the time to keep us involved in the intricacies of their lives when we called to chat. We wouldn't be able to visit and eventually, would call less often for the same reasons--it's hard to keep people involved when the distance grows so wide. Our love for our friends and family never changed, but our level of involvement did.
So now it feels like we're starting over. In different ways, many of which I didn't expect. I'm starting over at work as I navigate a new sector, a new industry, and a job I've never done before with new co-workers and a totally different organizational philosophy. We're starting over building our community, helping our children make friends, living in the U.S. with young kids, and trying to reconnect with friends and family whose lives have gone on while we were absent. Pancho and I are both starting over with this new level of freedom afforded by simply living in America without government control of every aspect of our life--this one is perhaps the most exiting 'start over' and what we spend our late night discussions playing with.
It's been seven months since we moved to California and I feel on the edge of greatness. There are so many routes we could take to include simply relishing what we have, what we are, and where we've come. We have the time and space to ask all these questions and no pressure to do anything unless it's on our terms. Which means we can patiently wait for the answers to come and soak up each ounce of 'the now'.
Old friends, you'll hear more from us. New friends, you'll see more of us. Family, keep riding our dream train--you'll see more direction from us and probably hear more from us too :-)
It feels like I've been living my own custom-made mid-life crisis for a few years now (I'm sure some of you have an exaggerated nod going on right now).
I want a slower life in the country
I want the opportunities and culture afforded by the city
I want to travel the world
I want to do my own thing
I want to be an author
I want to have global impact...impact TBD
I want to be a public servant and change policy...like, I want to be Secretary of State
I want to innovate in the private sector
I want my own business
I don't actually like change all that much and want stability
I want to live in the mountains, in the desert, by the ocean, and near an international airport
I want to buy a house
I'm scared to plant roots
I want to be a movie star
...okay, snuck that last one in there to see if you were paying attention.
Two things. What would I do if I weren't afraid, and, how can I relegate all of these wants to some future realm and just enjoy the present? The grass is always greener on the other side--been there done that, don't want to focus there. Enjoy the now and pick a 'future' apple off the tree, on my own terms. I can do everything on that list if I want, life is not an all-or-nothing choice, and with my newfound private sector freedom, I'm going to enjoy each moment I have to think about what I want--even when it makes me feel lost.
I've made an intentional effort to take time for introspection (an hour per week actually slotted on my calendar), but recently, after each week I have more questions and fewer answers. Maybe that means I'm on the right track. Like once you start to feel the cascade of questions you're finally making progress? The good news (maybe) is that Pancho is on the same page. I guess it's not always good because I lose my sanity check but it's fantastic because we have the most beautiful, deep, conversations late at night that lead to crazy ideas and incremental steps toward greatness.
I need to create and be creative. I'm writing a novel, selling my photography, designing greeting cards, and licensing my pictures to other greeting card companies. I'm owning projects at work that benefit the greater organization and challenge me in wonderfully intellectual ways. I'm picking back up on a business plan for an invention I dropped last year and writing a draft business plan for a new idea. This focus (although totally scattered) has has been hugely impactful on my spirit after leaving government. Creativity fuels my soul and makes me happy. Tired sometimes, but happy.
I've also re-connected with a few old friends this month and I found myself revitalized, inspired, and so badly missing all the feelings of stability...you know, where you stay in one spot long enough to make friends and create community. It left me feeling nostalgic, and really just sad about the leave of absence from 'normal' life our family has taken. I wouldn't trade our experiences for the world but there are definitely realities that have become apparent now that we're back.
It feels like the rest of the world went on without us and we're fighting our way back in. But with that, we're having to reestablish old relationships. Ones that were once so strong. Because years have passed, families have grown, relationships have started and ended, lives and people have changed. And for the last five years, we've been on the outside looking in. It's hard to keep in touch when you don't live in the same place and it's even harder when you leave the country. We finally resigned to the fact that we would miss out. People wouldn't think to call us and wouldn't take the time to keep us involved in the intricacies of their lives when we called to chat. We wouldn't be able to visit and eventually, would call less often for the same reasons--it's hard to keep people involved when the distance grows so wide. Our love for our friends and family never changed, but our level of involvement did.
So now it feels like we're starting over. In different ways, many of which I didn't expect. I'm starting over at work as I navigate a new sector, a new industry, and a job I've never done before with new co-workers and a totally different organizational philosophy. We're starting over building our community, helping our children make friends, living in the U.S. with young kids, and trying to reconnect with friends and family whose lives have gone on while we were absent. Pancho and I are both starting over with this new level of freedom afforded by simply living in America without government control of every aspect of our life--this one is perhaps the most exiting 'start over' and what we spend our late night discussions playing with.
It's been seven months since we moved to California and I feel on the edge of greatness. There are so many routes we could take to include simply relishing what we have, what we are, and where we've come. We have the time and space to ask all these questions and no pressure to do anything unless it's on our terms. Which means we can patiently wait for the answers to come and soak up each ounce of 'the now'.
Old friends, you'll hear more from us. New friends, you'll see more of us. Family, keep riding our dream train--you'll see more direction from us and probably hear more from us too :-)
